Banned from zoo.
Again?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
