Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
