Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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