Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
