a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
