I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
