Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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