I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
