i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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