I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
