she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
