I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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