Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
