I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
