I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
