my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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