The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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