Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
