I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I love having hate sex.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
