Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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