he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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