I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
