apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
