I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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