she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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