Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
