I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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