We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
