We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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