I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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