she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
