My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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