You don't have asthma, your pregnant
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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