She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
