so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
