Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
