Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
