fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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