We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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