Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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