someone get that fucking seahorse.
I looked at my own cervix.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
