The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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