Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
