I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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