Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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