My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
