i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
