I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
