Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
