I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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