i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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