the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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