I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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